Diving Deep into water

November was supposed to be the month of the deep dive where we uncover all of the emotions beneath the surface. This was not a new concept for me. In fact, my most constant focus for the past five years has been deep psychological and spiritual healing both with the help of a therapist and on my own. The internal work this month was going to be a piece of cake and my schedule was finally clear enough for me to get back into the studio and lose myself in the canvas.

I was ready and eager for the first half of the painting marathon, but did I just hear Whitney right? I have to paint 13 paintings all on the same canvas? I have to paint over my previous paintings never to see them again?! That's when the anxiety kicked in. I loved my first painting and couldn't let it go. This was going to be harder than I thought, but I also understood the need for detachment. I decided that while I completely trust Whitney, this was my vision quest and I could grow without the need for anything to be too painful.

I would give myself permission to keep any painting that really spoke to me and I was off painting. I painted each of the prompts with the new freedom that Whitney intended. Most were silly and fun and I learned a lot about her technique. None of them turned into the masterpieces that I had feared and I learned to snap a quick picture with my phone for the sake of documentation before releasing them to become the next painting.

During this process I would share my progress with my therapist each week and I begin to notice her cringe every time I used the word "detach". She explained that as a counselor she focuses daily on helping people attach to other people and emotions to heal, so why was my detachment so liberating? It wasn't until the end of December that I fully understood my own relationship with attachment.

My 16-year-old daughter would serve as my mirror. Fiercely loyal, once Isabelle knows you she is connected to you forever. She gets this quality from me and I always viewed it as admirable. However, upon further investigation, I realized that there are times when it can keep us from being our higher selves. When we attach to our history we limit our ability to change and grow. Have you ever thought about an old friend that you've lost touch with for one reason or another? At first, the memories make you smile, but as you continue to focus on them a painful sense of loss and emptiness appears. Reliving painful experiences from our past can also bring back the pain just as intensely as when the situation occurred. By practicing objective detachment I am now able to surround both memories with love and quickly release them, which I find to be much healthier.